The traditional teachings of spiritual enlightenment tell us that in
order to be one with Spirit we need to shrink our egos down to the size
of a pea. Those
rare beings
who are considered to be saints are said to be “selfless.” Higher
spiritual development, whether Eastern or Western, is generally
determined by how tangibly and profoundly the individual has transcended
his or her egotistical inclinations. And those rare individuals who
have authentically attained such a state of being are impressive indeed.
But while I admire such spiritual exemplars, and find the personalities
of egomaniacs to be obnoxious in the same way that most people do, I’m
not sure that shrinking our egos down to the size of a pea really makes
sense in this day and age as
the goal of higher spiritual development.
As a matter of fact, I’m going to say something provocative: I’m of the
opinion that spiritual evolution in the 21st century is going to be
about having even bigger egos—not smaller ones. Let me explain.
You see, the ego is not the problem.
Narcissism
is the problem. A narcissist is someone who lives in a world of
self-obsession and self-concern. When I was a young person, I was
extremely narcissistic. Like many others of the so-called “me”
generation, I was obsessed with my inner emotional and psychological
world—my fears, my desires, my achievements, my failures. I was the star
of a non-stop daytime (and nighttime) soap opera that was my life. In
retrospect, my life wasn’t really that interesting, because I wasn’t
doing anything truly great or laudable. But that didn’t really matter.
My own self-experience always felt incredibly important, simply because
it was all about me.
My
first breakthrough
to a dimension of being that completely transcended the little world of
“me” occurred when I was a teenager. For a few precious moments, the
universe seemed to open up in the most extraordinary way imaginable. I
awoke to a perception of
infinity—beginninglessness
and endlessness with no center. I was nowhere, but I was also
everywhere. My prior sense of self was crushed out of existence by the
enormity of what I was seeing and simultaneously I experienced myself to
be
everything all at the same time. This monumental glimpse
into reality beyond the small self was short-lived, but it lasted long
enough to change my life forever.
In the years that followed, I did lots of spiritual work and long hours of
sitting very, very quietly by myself. Eventually, I met a
Teacher
who helped me, over a brief period of time, to make the metaphysical
transition from small self to big Self. When I left him three weeks
later, I found myself alone on a train sitting in the station in
Lucknow, India, about to leave for Delhi. Suddenly I was seeing myself
from a completely different vantage point. I no longer saw the world
from within the prison of my small self. Now I saw my small self from
outside it. And this outside position
included the whole universe.
To say I was amazed is an understatement. I was in a state of awe and
wonder at the spectacular turn of events, shift in perspective, and
profound self-transformation. Now my sense of self was literally
enormous. And this enormity was
inclusive. The once-tiresome
and mundane melodrama of my personal identity had broken wide open and
suddenly felt like it was the thrilling journey of the entire cosmos. My
own life now felt like it was one with all of life and my sense of self
had transformed in such a way that now I wanted to embrace or include
as many others in this newfound consciousness as I could.
In those three weeks I went from being a
seeker to being a teacher myself. My previous experience of insecurity and self-doubt became displaced by a powerful
self-confidence
and often-surprising clarity. Many people found this clarity and
confidence inspiring, compelling, and even liberating. Others found it
to be simply too much. To them, my confidence was perceived as arrogance
and as a sign of a big ego.
What had happened to me in this
profound shift of identity was this: as a young man, my ego had been
enormous—because I was so painfully and narcissistically self-centered.
When I became a seeker, I relentlessly sought for the kind of
knowing
that the greatest mystics have described to us, a mysterious truth that
I knew my mind would never be able to grasp. Because of this, I
constantly had to humble myself. When I finally met my teacher, it
didn’t take him long to convince me that he had direct access to what
lay on
the other side of the veil
of the separate self. In order for that veil to drop within me, I had
to humble myself before him. I remember one day hearing myself utter the
words: “I want to die (to the small self), but I don’t know how.” He
was sitting quietly on his bed and I was sitting on a chair in front of
him. He didn’t respond.
When that veil finally lifted, the power
of my personality grew by leaps and bounds. It became BIG. Now,
especially in moments of inspiration, it seemed to be a mere container
through which the inconceivable nature of the
creative force
of the cosmos could express itself. This shift from narcissism to
humility to big Self is, and always has been, the journey of the mystic
and the realizer. The bigger our self becomes after we’ve transcended
the crippling effects of narcissism, the more powerfully and creatively
we will be able to live our precious human lives. Because we’ve gotten
over our small selves, we will be living for a
higher purpose. And that’s what changes everything.
